How to Kill A Mockingbird

In attempting to read the main literature on the subject, I found that the author digressed unnecessarily into descriptions of small-town life in Alabama.  Therefore, to save everyone else the trouble, I have decided to summarize the main techniques in an easy-to-read step-by-step approach.

Method One: the Traditional Hillbilly Method

1. Fetch and load a shotgun or other firearm.
2. Observe the mockingbird until it comes into sight.
3. Shoot at the mockingbird.  Be careful not to hit any innocent bystanders.
4. If the mockingbird isn’t dead, it probably isn’t worth killing.  Return home.

Method Two: the Complicated Hillbilly Method

1. Observe the mockingbird to determine its habits and the location of its nest.
2. Using your observations, formulate a prediction as to when the mockingbird will not be in its nest.
3. Use a ladder to climb up to the nest.
4. Carefully remove all eggs from the nest.
5. Smear glue liberally on the inside of the nest.
6. Return the eggs to the nest.  Now the mockingbird will be forced to stay in this nest, rather than relocating to another, which could spoil your plan.  If the eggs hatch before the completion of the plan, you may need to repeat steps 3-6.
7. Conduct observations in a local forest to locate the burrow of a badger, raccoon, or wolverine (hereafter referred to as the vicious forest animal).
8. During the night, tempt the vicious forest animal out of its burrow using suitable food.
9. Repeat step 8 at the same time on several subsequent nights in order to win the trust of the vicious forest animal.
10. Prepare a suitable cage or other containing habitat for the vicious forest animal inside your house.
11. Once you have won the trust of the vicious forest animal, rig a non-lethal trap such as a net or a deep pit using the suitable food as bait.
12. Trap the vicious forest animal in the non-lethal trap.  If the vicious forest animal escapes from the non-lethal trap or the non-lethal trap turns out to be lethal, return to step 7.
13. Wearing protective gloves, carry the vicious forest animal back to the prepared habitat.  Be sure to feed it regularly and avoid any attention from your local humane society (as well as your parents if you still live at home).  If the vicious forest animal dies or is taken away from you, return to step 7.
14. Measure the height of the mockingbird’s nest above the ground.
15. Affix a bucket to another tree at the same height.
16. Determine the weight of the vicious forest animal using an ordinary scale.
17. Locate an object equal in weight to the vicious forest animal.
18. Design and construct a catapult capable of throwing this object.
19. Conduct experiments using the catapult to throw the object towards the bucket.  Note down at what distance from the tree the catapult must be located in order for the object to land in the bucket.  If the object does not land in the bucket at any distance, it may be necessary to modify or re-design your catapult.
20. Move your catapult so that it is now aimed at the mockingbird’s nest.  Ensure that it is positioned at the experimentally determined optimal distance.
21. Covertly observe the mockingbird’s nest until the mockingbird returns to it and goes to sleep.
22. Weigh the vicious forest animal to ensure that its weight has not changed.  If it has, return to step 17.
23. Using protective gloves, place the vicious forest animal in the catapult.  If the mockingbird wakes up, return the vicious forest animal to its cage and return to step 21.  If the vicious forest animal causes damage to the catapult which prevents it from firing, repair the catapult and return to step 21.
24. Fire the catapult.  The vicious forest animal should land in the nest and kill the mockingbird.  If the vicious forest animal fails to land in the nest or the mockingbird escapes, attempt to recapture the vicious forest animal and return to either step 7 or 21 accordingly.

Method Three: The Humane Modern Method

1. Observe the mockingbird to determine its habits and the location of its nest.
2. Buy a birdcage, birdseed, and sleeping pills.
3. Wait until a time when the mockingbird is absent from its nest.
4. Use a ladder to climb to the nest.
5. Place birdseed mixed with ground up sleeping pills in the mockingbird’s nest.
6. When the mockingbird is put to sleep by the sleeping pills, remove it from its nest and place it in the birdcage.  If the mockingbird does not go to sleep, return to step 3.
7. Keep the mockingbird in the cage and feed it regularly.  Eventually it will die.  If you cannot stand its singing and wish to accelerate the process, refer to Method One.

Disclaimer: I do not condone the killing of mockingbirds, as they never do any harm to anyone.